Mailwatch(ed) Forum

If Michael McIntyre’s observational comedy is too edgy for you there’s always Tom Utley

TOM UTLEY: Believe me, it's a lot easier to run a country than deny a wife her home makeover

How many times, over the past few days, have you heard pundits declaring: 'If Boris Johnson can't even say no to Carrie Symonds's extravagant decorating plans, then how can he be thought fit to run the country?'
They speak as if it were self-evidently easier for a man to deny a determined partner her wishes than it is to preside over a Government.

All I can say is that those commentators can't ever have been married. For if they had wives — or fiancées, come to that — they'd surely know that their theory is the opposite of the truth.

Indeed, such problems as negotiating Brexit, handling a pandemic, defeating terrorism and ending centuries of internecine strife in Northern Ireland are an absolute doddle beside the business of talking the better half out of a project on which she has set her heart. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/arti ... eover.html

There's someone mourning the demise of Punch.

And if money was tight, how about cutting back on the school fees?

There's also a Jan Moir piece, all "who doesn't love a bit of posh wallpaper, eh girls?". Although she does subtly point out that Carrie Antoinette was apparently 10 months pregnant with Warming Pan Wilf.

Andy McDandy wrote: ↑Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:58 pm Carrie Antoinette was apparently 10 months pregnant with Warming Pan Wilf.

The only child ever smuggled out of the birthing suite in a warming pan. At his own request.

Andy McDandy wrote: ↑Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:58 pm And if money was tight, how about cutting back on the school fees?

It's the English answer to "Lay off the Avocado toast".

Malcolm Armsteen wrote: ↑Fri Apr 30, 2021 5:19 pm

Andy McDandy wrote: ↑Fri Apr 30, 2021 4:58 pm Carrie Antoinette was apparently 10 months pregnant with Warming Pan Wilf.

The only child ever smuggled out of the birthing suite in a warming pan. At his own request.

Have I missed a world shattering affair of state?

I mean, is the answer "fuck off, me and the wife are adults engaged in a relationship of mutual respect, we reach decisions together for each other, not engage in some sitcom-esque transactional affair where I live in constant fear of provoking her"?

It's just so fucking childish. Does Tom actually know any women?

MisterMuncher wrote: ↑Sat May 01, 2021 12:09 am I mean, is the answer "fuck off, me and the wife are adults engaged in a relationship of mutual respect, we reach decisions together for each other, not engage in some sitcom-esque transactional affair where I live in constant fear of provoking her"?

In most things, yes. In the case of decoration and home furnishing not necessarily. In my experience.

(Which is why the sofas in this room have five cushions each...)

MisterMuncher wrote: ↑Sat May 01, 2021 12:09 am I mean, is the answer "fuck off, me and the wife are adults engaged in a relationship of mutual respect, we reach decisions together for each other, not engage in some sitcom-esque transactional affair where I live in constant fear of provoking her"?

It's just so fucking childish. Does Tom actually know any women?

Coming soon on BBC1...... Tom & Gerrie. Tom Utley plays henpecked Tom. Penelope Keith plays his demanding, high maintenance, Versace-clad wife Gerrie. The aim of each episode is Tom desperately trying to escape for peace and quiet to read the Daily Mail in the shed at the bottom of the garden but Gerrie always thwarts him with some chore with hilarious consequences.

MisterMuncher wrote: ↑Sat May 01, 2021 12:09 am I mean, is the answer "fuck off, me and the wife are adults engaged in a relationship of mutual respect, we reach decisions together for each other, not engage in some sitcom-esque transactional affair where I live in constant fear of provoking her"?

It's just so fucking childish. Does Tom actually know any women?

Sadly, IRL I know of relationships where one partner lives in fear of provoking the other for even the most minor of transgressions.

They do exist.

In which our hero drones on and on about how unfair it is that people with European passports can travel freely around Europe, while people with British passports have to put up with border checks and red tape for some reason he doesn't understand.

The cheering you can hear is the citizens of Europe, having just heard Utley won't be visiting them any time soon.

I don't want to be a Plastic Paddy, until EU leaders stop persecuting British tourists for Brexit I won't bother with a new passport


https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/arti ... sport.html

How does it go? Oh yeah -

"You won, get over it."

Today I saw someone on the Twitters claiming that the UK was forced out of the customs union and single market as revenge by the EU. As far as I could see, they were serious.

I'd (as had any others) predicted that eventually we'd reach this point. Didn't think it'd be this soon.

Commentators, as on the Littlejohn piece today, having none of it.

I wonder if I'm alone in regarding their behaviour as a mild form of treason?

Yes, even Paisley jr jets off on his Paddy passport.

We have to suffer eight paragraphs of royal toadying and name dropping before getting around to his beef with Coogan. Steve insulted royal lovers like Utley so he’s probably as bad as Jimmy Savile.

TOM UTLEY: Look, Steve Coogan, if you really want to get rid of the monarchy, abandon Israel and muzzle the Free Press, why not stand for office yourself!

With lofty disdain for millions of us lesser mortals, the creator of Alan Partridge this week dismissed us supporters of the monarchy as 'idiots', complicit in propping up a system that oppresses workers.

'It's interesting,' he says, 'because I buy that stuff and go, "I don't like having a Royal Family, but I do like his produce", so I feel a bit torn.'

Perhaps he will understand me, then, when I say that I feel similarly torn about Steve Coogan. I think he's an absolutely wonderful actor, as many will agree if they saw his recent portrayal of the vile Jimmy Savile in the BBC's four-parter, The Reckoning. In my view, he was amazingly convincing as that revoltingly arrogant, bullying pervert. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/arti ... ffice.html

"For although they've had little real power themselves since the Glorious Revolution of the late 1680s, their hereditary position as our heads of state has prevented divisive politicians from getting too big for their boots."

That one's going well.

Telling others to run for office, while sat at home writing poison pen columns.

Tom supports the royals because they represent the status quo. A status quo which allows average hacks like Tom to continue to make a living from journalism well after passing their sell by day. A status quo which allows his niece to steal a living as a journalist because family members pulled a few strings for her.

Both his and Littlejohn's columns today have a strong feel of Dacre on their shoulders as they wrote them.

His ut(ter)ly pathetic connection to her late maj really is what Viz used to call a lame to fame. The laughable airs put on by a Hyacinth Bucket professing friendship with the lady of the Manor while at the car boot sale in the manor house grounds, and having paid her 2 quid like everyone else.

Cyclist wrote: ↑Fri Feb 04, 2022 2:56 pm In which our hero drones on and on about how unfair it is that people with European passports can travel freely around Europe, while people with British passports have to put up with border checks and red tape for some reason he doesn't understand.

The cheering you can hear is the citizens of Europe, having just heard Utley won't be visiting them any time soon.

I don't want to be a Plastic Paddy, until EU leaders stop persecuting British tourists for Brexit I won't bother with a new passport


https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/arti ... sport.html

Seems Tom doesn't intend to vote either.