[Andy McDandy]

It's that time of year again when 18 of the worst people in the country are sent on a series of snipe hunts in the hope that one of them gets a cash injection into their mail order sweets business.

Contestant profiles can be found here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/media ... -series-18 and here are a few early favourites for Twatmaster General.

First off, is Doctor Poo:

“Beauty, brains, body and business” is how Asif proudly describes himself on his CV. A doctor with a business plan focused on healthy vitamins and supplements, Asif may need more than the four Bs to win Lord Sugar’s investment.

Mary Bobbins:

I am a one-of-a-kind type of person, an investment in one that guarantees profit. With my people-focused attitude, I plan on building an empire in an ethical way, whilst raising up inspiring people along the way.

Bristol Shitty:

Aspirational recruitment director and food reviewer Jack is used to moving up the ranks quickly. Lord Sugar’s investment could be his next step to success, or will he bite off more than he can chew?

Twatbasket de Danaan:

I hear back that my business brings some people a little bubble of self-love, it helps some people with that winter dread, and people move stronger and more freely than before.

Gin and Chronic:

I really hope there is a selling task because this is where I will dominate and prove to Lord Sugar, I am a selling machine. I work the markets selling gin and tonic and there aren’t many customers that leave without buying.

Dentist on the Knob:

My proficiency in body-popping has been a standout talent that paved my way to victory in numerous talent shows during my younger years (including a Britain’s Got Talent audition). This unique skill opened doors, leading me to an exciting opportunity as an extra in a Disney TV show.

Faster, Stronger, Liar:

When I was seven years old, I went missing, only for my frantically worried mum to find me by the roadside selling my toys shaking a biscuit tin full of coins and shouting "toys for sale, everything must go today!".

No You Fucking Didn't:

Most recent success is being awarded Mortgage Broker of the year in September 2023 and also Silver Award winner of Best Businesswoman in Finance.

Ken Roach:

I was a low budget filmmaker back in the day, doing everything from big screen horror movies to R’n’B music videos. In one year, I shot a dozen films, won a contest at the legendary Pinewood Studios, and had a film screened at the Cannes Film Festival... all without wearing a suit!

Renaissance Flan:

People think I am a cool dude. But underneath all of that, I am a super-geek. I have always had a fascination with how things work. One of my dreams as a child was to be in those big red Britannica Encyclopaedia volumes, alongside the likes of Galileo, Newton, and Tesla. Total super nerd. Still cool though.

And finally, the God Delusion:

I bring more than just entrepreneurship to the table. I am a creator of unmatched experiences, a performer, my ambition is relentless setting me apart in the fast-paced world of business. With Lord Sugar as my business partner, I am ready to step into a realm of remarkable success.

There are others, who come across as rather more sane, but we must bear in mind that they applied for this, meaning that they're cunts. Anyway, pick your favourites and place your bets, and let the sneering commence!

[Malcolm Armsteen]

People you'd run a mile from...

[Watchman]

I’m still waiting for a Fireplace Salesman of the Year

[Killer Whale]

Disappointing that none of them describe themselves as a 'brand'. Is that not a thing any longer?

Edited to add:

a little bubble of self-love

Eeeeewwwwww!

[mattomac]

Aren’t there two that are businessmen in the pie business.

Shame as I used one of them once or twice, I probably won’t now.

Also one has been sent on diversity training.

[Abernathy]

Hmmm. Jack Davies seems to be an especially cocky little twat :

Anything I put my mind to, I succeed in .

What is your biggest business fail?

I don’t have one. Failure is never an option.

Jack's getting fired in show two.

[Bones McCoy]

Disappointing that none of them describe themselves as a 'brand'. Is that not a thing any longer?

Edited to add:

a little bubble of self-love

Eeeeewwwwww!

I think motormouth Russell has polluted the concept of being a Brand.

[The Weeping Angel]

“Beauty, brains, body and business” is how Asif proudly describes himself on his CV. A doctor with a business plan focused on healthy vitamins and supplements, Asif may need more than the four Bs to win Lord Sugar’s investment.

Oh he's the one who's been exposed as a massive anti-semite

[Watchman]

That’s going to go down well Yiddish Alan

[mattomac]

I assume because it’s filmed well in advance that why they are claiming he is going on this training otherwise they’d have to pull it.

[Killer Whale]

I assume because it’s filmed well in advance

All filmed last summer. You only get weather like that in the Scottish Highlands for about two weeks at the start of July.

[Andy McDandy]

They didn't disappoint. By which I mean, they were very disappointing.

Go to Scotland, put on a team building day. This consists of an outdoor activity followed by a meal and a fun activity to finish. Both teams budget badly, and communicate even worse. Team A (the ladies) put on a river based walk, followed by a meal where they got the recipe wrong and made a fishcake out of a sweet crumble. Their audience were all hoteliers, and sussed them immediately. Some face-saving and they got out alive.

Team B (the guys) chose God Delusion prick as their manager. He took the clients abseiling, then treated them all to an impromptu dance class. They were late for lunch, much food was ruined, they didn't buy any booze, and by the time they got onto ceilidh dancing, the clients were begging to be let free.

The guys lost, heavily. God Delusion blamed Gin & Chronic for not doing anything, and Ken Roach for, erm, reasons. Roach got out alive, and Gin & Chronic took the hit. God Delusion also survived. Back to the house where everyone was celebrating not being absolutely appalling.

Next week they make and sell cheesecakes. Ah, food poisoning!

[soulboy]

Gin and Chronic has been to the IDS School of CVs.

What is your biggest business success to date?

Running five retail shops for our family run distillery, from Newcastle to Swindon and setting up a soft drink that pairs perfectly with all our range of gins.

I know Swindon well and that didn't ring any bells so I went digging.

https://www.raisthorpemanor.com/stockists/

A couple of garden centres with SN postcodes are listed as stockists but neither is within 25 miles of Swindon. In fact the website only shows one shop of their own - at the designer outlet in York.

What a shame he never got to the interview round.

[Andy McDandy]

One of the "retail shops" on their website appears to be a stand at a country show. So presumably the 5 shops he's managed include pop-ups, and the lemonade stall he set up on the drive when he was 7. As for the rest, they all seem to be the sort of place that's normally classed as "overpriced tat".

[Watchman]

I must admit i do watch it, for the pathetic reason of "liking to laugh at twats"................this bunch didn't disappoint

[Lardboy]

A friend of mine also reports on The Apprentice. I might be biased but I think it's worth a read.

https://theapprenticeuk.wordpress.com/2 ... -week-one/

[Andy McDandy]

Chemical Toilet Brothers, oh I do like that!

[Andy McDandy]

Week 2, and it's time for the gang to make some food (cheesecakes) and flog it. Flog some to the public in a photogenic part of London, the rest to a corporate buyer (in this case Innocent Smoothies and the London Dungeon).

Guys go in with Innocent. Paul (AKA the 'Brilliant!' kid from the Fast Show) asks them repeatedly if they want a chocolate cheesecake, while they go no, we're about fruit. Off they go and make something that looks fucking revolting like a dollop of Eton Mess on a lump of glued together rice krispies. When showing it to the Innocent people, Dr Poo straight up admits is't an 'acquired taste'.

Meanwhile, the ladies construct something similarly revolting looking, but actually do a good job getting a sweet deal with the Dungeon people. Did like the idea of brown cake and strawberry topping representing blood and gore. aside from the perennial problem of the sub-teams not talking to each other, they do OK.

Ladies win, and guys blamestorm. Dr Poo seems to be emerging as the biggest twat so far, while the Brilliant Kid is sent home. Relentlessly upbeat and chipper throughout, came across as a good'un on Tom Allen's post-mortem show.

[Killer Whale]

the perennial problem of the sub-teams not talking to each other, they do OK.

I get the feeling that's deliberately engineered by production for reasons of 'good television'. They've twigged that the only reason people watch it is to see smug twats fuck up.

Dr Poo seems to be emerging as the biggest twat so far

He's out next week, Nailed on.

[Andy McDandy]

Week 3, in which Dr Poo got flushed.

The teams have been mixed up and have given themselves names. Team Nexus and Team Supream (sic). What could possibly go wrong?

This week it's the "give them something techy and creative to do" challenge, in this case designing and marketing a virtual escape room. For the uninitiated this is a sort of computer game puzzle where you have to find clues that lead you to get out of wherever your character is stuck. Crystal Maze, that sort of malarkey. Whatever, we're here for two things - the looks on the faces of the bored techies putting their gibberings into production, and the sight of utterly soulless people trying to create something fun.

Both teams are managed by people who have a very Charlie Croker approach to teamwork - everyone doing what they tell them to do. Attempts at injecting their own ideas are rebuffed or ignored. People getting overlooked seethe with resentment. Florence the Machine ("Equality, diversity and inclusion is at the core of the business") decides on a medieval theme. Paul the dentist and Noor the jeweller get roundly ignored, despite them both being quite keen gamers. Still though, they gamely give it their all and produce a fairly simple follow-the-clues game that is laughably easy but at least works.

For Twatfest fans, it's all too obvious what team Supream, led by Dr Poo, are going to do. They're going to cock it up massively. They decide on doing an "escape from a desert island" game, and consider names for it, including "Escape to the Country". In the end they settle on Fallen Escape, and while Dr Poo obsesses over the logo ("When someone explains it, it becomes self-explanatory") the others try to design....something. They end up with a sort of post-apocalyptic take on Lost, complete with burned out buildings, random dancing grizzly bears (last seen in a Basement Jaxx video 15 years ago) and a rope bridge leading to a yacht. They pitch it to industry types, who flat out ask if it's supposed to be absurd. No, says Dr Poo, it's very serious, as he misses this massive life belt being held out to him.

The winners come as no surprise, while Dr Poo starts blamestorming in perhaps the crappest way ever. He calls back Sam the fitness instructor, who promptly tells him to shove it. He then asks if he can bring someone else back. In the end, while Sralan says that the team was generally crap, Dr Poo has to carry the can for being such a shit leader. He flounces out, and refuses to appear on the aftershow. What a fucking tit.

Next week, it's the scavenger hunt, this year in Jersey. Challenge 1 is finding a way onto the island.