[Andy McDandy]

It' that time of year again when the first buds begin to appear on the trees, the evenings stay lighter a little longer, the Six Nations prepares to kick of, and some of the worst wankers in Britain are sealed into shiny suits and made to jump through hoops on the telly for a business loan.

A full list of the wankers is easily found. This year (the twentieth anniversary!) there are 20 of the fuckers. Heaven help anyone trying to arrange a flat viewing in London when this is being filmed.

Standout arseholes from the front include Kieran, the self-styled "best estate agent in London", which is a bit like "Biggest cunt in the war crimes dock". There's Georgina, an actress who's self-consciously wacky. Rothna of the Bene Jesseret, whose disdain for everyone is actually quite sexy. Levi's the token northerner and meathead. Karishma's her off Derry Girls in an awful velvet suit. Conor from Ireland seems on course for the "Don't bullshit the master bullshitter" award. Andrea's clearly a Lorraine Ashbourne cosplayer. The rest all blend into one homogenous mass.

Anyway, we start with the scavenger hunt. They go off to Hong Kong, and are told to buy some things. They underestimate the size of the Fragrant Harbour, and get lost. They waste time. They get forced to do silly things for the amusement of savvy Hong Kong traders. They cannot read maps. They fuck up epically.

The girls fuck up more than the boys, so two of them get booted. Off goes Nikki (mortgage advisor and bland ambassador), followed by Georgina. The guys are told off for celebrating their not much of a win.

Afterwards, Angela Scanlon presents the reworked review show. Gone are the studio audience and funny content - instead we have some twat off Radio 2 an one of Sugar's grumpy mates. Scanlon is very lightweight. This does not bode well.

[Abernathy]

Jeebus. Sounds worse than ever before. Is that even possible?

Remember - Alan Sugar IS the UK's own Donald Trump.

[Killer Whale]

Afterwards, Angela Scanlon presents the reworked review show. Gone are the studio audience and funny content - instead we have some twat off Radio 2 an one of Sugar's grumpy mates. Scanlon is very lightweight. This does not bode well.

Don't tell me... Big microphones?

[Andy McDandy]

Not quite. Scanlon was just fine presenting Robot Wars and is generally very likeable, but seems to a) want to make the show all about her, and b) comes across as really wanting to be funny.

The guests are, firstly, a very annoying radio presenter who constantly goes on about how massive a fan of the show he is, and how crazy he and all his friends are, and says "Oh my Gooooddd" while acting as if every incident on the show is a cultural moment on a par with JFK's assassination. And secondly, one of Sugar's mates who is actually quite dry and funny, but is not the right fit for this show. Just far too smart and insightful.

[Bones McCoy]

The Apprentice on TV or Melania at the Cinema.

Who says culture is dying?

[Boiler]

Afterwards, Angela Scanlon presents the reworked review show. Gone are the studio audience and funny content - instead we have some twat off Radio 2 an one of Sugar's grumpy mates. Scanlon is very lightweight. This does not bode well.

Don't tell me... Big microphones?

"Big microphones... check."

Screenshot 2026-01-30 at 15-16-05 The Apprentice Unfinished Business.jpg (91.83 KiB) Viewed 2084 times

[mattomac]

https://www.bbc.com/mediacentre/mediapa ... -series-20

Just had a look at them, Karishma's suit really is odd, its like something out of the 80s put on a child.

Anyhow mostly business executives (whatever that means), estate agents or odd balls. Though was surprised to see a student wellbeing advisor on there.

Generally not the type of people who are usually arseholes.

Priyesh looks like hes got something stuck up his arse (though apparently there is a rise in people walking around with buttplugs inside them), Andrea could turn Hell cold with that stare.

[davidjay]

Not quite. Scanlon was just fine presenting Robot Wars and is generally very likeable, but seems to a) want to make the show all about her, and b) comes across as really wanting to be funny.

The guests are, firstly, a very annoying radio presenter who constantly goes on about how massive a fan of the show he is, and how crazy he and all his friends are, and says "Oh my Gooooddd" while acting as if every incident on the show is a cultural moment on a par with JFK's assassination. And secondly, one of Sugar's mates who is actually quite dry and funny, but is not the right fit for this show. Just far too smart and insightful.

Sugar has mates? Funny mates?

[Andy McDandy]

Week 2 and it's the "do a thing for the kids and look like a twat" challenge. This year, it's to write a storybook for 4-6 year olds, and market it to folk from the publishing business.

If you've ever endured the horror that is team writing, you can guess what's coming next. Teams split into 2, one will work on the story and the other on the visuals. Why? Why, when the words and imagery are so symbiotic, do you want to do things this way? Yes, yes, I know. Cheap laughs and ratings, but anyway.

The ladies, led by Sally Wainshite (who claims to have written a book*), consider two ideas. One is a story about a kid starting school and dealing with their anxieties. The other is a Gruffalo rip off about a zebra wandering through the jungle. Either on their own would be fine, but they combine the two somehow and end up with a zebra starting school. They pitch it to the professionals, and to some schoolkids, and actually get some good feedback and interest. So well done there.

The guys....hoo boy. Marcus wants to be project manager so he can show everyone how it's done. Kieran (biggest cunt in London) rankles, and gets to run the sub-team. On that team is Dan, who says he knows a bit about graphic design, so is promptly ignored. Dan seethes in the corner, as Kieran delivers a masterclass in knobbery. He talks over people. He rushes through things. He leaves 2 pages of the story (something about an astronaut wanting to do a shit) blank. He laughs it all off, saying that he's a salesman, not a creative.

Onto their marketing event - Conor does a fairly good job of polishing a turd, but this one is just too smelly. The kids hate it. Marcus doesn't want to hear negativity. Conor is on the verge of making a sale, and Marcus walks in, elbows him out, and loses the sale. Conor claims that the blank pages are there for kids to use their own imaginations on. The professionals say don't bullshit the bullshitter, son.

The ladies win, but Wainshite is FUMMIN' about her team, upbraiding them for their disloyalty (i.e. talking). Marcus and Kieran blame each other for lack of direction, shit ideas, the moonlit sky and the dream that died. Marcus calls 3 of the team back in, only for them to all round on him. Sugar points out that as a manager, he's crap (Sralan also makes a lot of poo and toilet based puns that are far better than the guys thought of), and the central problem was their entire concept, which stank. Marcus gets the boot. Kieran gets a warning to stop acting the cunt.

There is no treat for the winners. Next week, the catering challenge, or how to fail at maths and cooking.

*By which she means that the school of which she's a governor once had a book published.

[davidjay]

Once again, thanks for writing the best laugh of the week.

[Andy McDandy]

Week 3 and we face the old riddle of what came first - the chicken or the egg (and yes, this gets repeated multiple times throughout the episode, like imagine a bunch of arseholes hearing someone ask another person for their name and one starts shouting "Don't tell him, Pike!", and before you know it, they're all yelling "DOWTELLIMPIKE!, thinking they're fucking comedy gods, but anyway).

Teams are mixed up and given either 25 kilos of chicken, or the same weight of eggs. Cook them up and make a profit. Off you fuck.

Team 1 is headed up by Dan "the man" Miller, whose strategy is to giggle nervously and agree with everyone. Team 2 is led by Carrington, who considers strategy beneath her. To be honest, I've forgotten which team did what, as both screwed up. In the end, the team that spent big and made big profits lost, because the other team spent very little and hence had a higher profit margin or whatever it is. Cheap shit beats expensive not-quite-as-shit.

Highlights include:

Daaaan insisting that it's OK to muck around with flavourings because that's what everyone does in the kitchen. Cue Conor dryly pointing out that's fine when cooking your dinner, not so fine when doing mass batch catering. I'm beginning to like Conor.

Karishma losing her shit at her colleagues' imbecility, as she's got a client about to agree an expensive order and two of them (Megan the Wallyoaks Girl and Tanmay the 4D Hungry Hippos master) cut in and offer to do the job for half the money.

Everyone demonstrating their utter incompetence in the kitchen. Several saying that they don't cook. Others getting confused about basic maths. A team making Carbonara, who due to various allergies/requirements cannot taste test their own product. Several people failing at boiling eggs.

Onto the receptions where their goods will be served up. Told not to produce chicken bits on skewers, one team does precisely that. Megan decides to treat her catering job as actually a party invite and chance to mingle. To the point the party host tells her teammates to get her out of there.

In the end, it's Tanmay who gets fired. His claims to be a deep thinking, forward planning strategic genius falling apart because he fucked up a one-off deal and torpedoed his teammates' - and his own - chances. I'd bet good money he'll be a senior party political adviser within a year.

[Killer Whale]

One thing that struck me was that even without having to account for overheads such as renting a kitchen or market pitch (a 'food truck', as we are supposed to call them, at Greenwich Market won't have come cheap), the winners still only managed a profit of around a hundred pounds per team member. Not even worth getting out of bed for. Yet this is never mentioned , is it?

[Andy McDandy]

Not just that. They're given raw material and introductions to potential buyers. And still they twat it all up.

[Andy McDandy]

Week 4 - Water Lot of Puns About H2O.

They say you should never meet your heroes. The reality never lives up to the legend. Similarly, you should not be too hopeful when two of the better (for sake of argument) candidates (Conor and Karishma) are made team leaders for this week's challenge.

Brand and market some bottled water. Team 1 aims for commuters. Team 2 goes for gym bunnies. Who obviously are totally overlooked by the soft drinks industry.

Gym bunnies, led by Karishma, go for the 'milkshake bottle' design, and shoot an ad where Kieran the Cockernee Cunt gets beaten up. So far I'm not seeing anything wrong here, although Karishma is an utter control freak who elbows everyone else aside and does all the scripting, editing etc herself. Much to the consternation of Megan who's keen to remind everyone that she's Gorran A-level in Meedja Stoodies and is thus the best person to do the directing. Leni Riefenscouse.

Team Commuter design a carton-based drink called "North H2O", because apparently some joke or other that everyone has heard of (so in other words, nobody has). Conor is very reasonable and collegiate, and tries to build consensus. This makes him a failure in the eyes of Karren Brady. In fairness, he's a bit of a wet lettuce, and produces a bland advert featuring people posing on a ferry while asking where the boat's going. When pitching to industry bods, his team stress their disdain for canned drinks - not wise when half the attendees make their money that way.

Gym Bunnies win it easily, and wholeheartedly praise Karishma for doing all the work (and would undoubtedly have gleefully shivved her if they'd lost). Conor brings back two nonentities to face judgement, and one of them (Roxana) gets booted. Not sure why.

[Andy McDandy]

Week 5 - Flowers.

Another sell stuff task, this time flogging bunches of flowers to people in eye-catching London venues. Meanwhile, take on a bespoke job for a company and try not to mess it up.

Team 1 go with splashing the cash and going high end. Team 2, almost as if there's an immutable law, do the opposite, opting for wildflowers and cheapness all round (I say cheap - both were charging £50 per bouquet).

It's all very predictable. They have no artistic skills. They sell everything like they're flogging hot pies. They fuck up the corporate orders. The halves of the team don't talk to each other. Cheap team win, because buy cheap, sell high beats buy high, sell high. Also, on the corporate job, over-promise and under-deliver; because what you lose off the sale is absorbed by you spending hardly anything and not really trying.

Vanessa gets fired. She's an identikit arsehole from London. Almost halfway through and nobody is particularly standing out.

[Killer Whale]

The halves of the team don't talk to each other.

Not allowing the two halves of the team to communicate is part of the shtick and deceit of the programme. It virtually guarantees monumental fuckups and boardroom drama - which is the only reason most of us watch it, if we're being honest.

[soulboy]

As are the 0430 walk up calls and "shaking up" the teams.

Heaven forbid that the candidates are thinking clearly and have formed high performing teams.

With a good night's sleep candidates might be able to distinguish between hydrangeas and hydrogen (not fully discounting that some people may just be as thick as mince).

[Andy McDandy]

Week 6: Egypt.

Maybe it's because I've spent the bulk of my working life in the public sector, but I've never experienced a "corporate awayday". Frankly, the idea of spending a day doing organised fun things with people I literally have to be paid to endure seems the worst sort of hell. In fact, I think one was once mooted at a place I worked. It was rapidly downgraded to an away-half-day, then a long lunch with some presentations, then a working lunch for departmental heads, before its final form emerged - a zoom call for those department heads.

So, onto last night's episode in which the gang go to Egypt and organise events for 2 companies. One delivers a desert trip, the other a coastal tour. Things do not go well.

Both teams go in strong, charging several thousands to the clients. Both clients knock them back. "For £10,000 we'd expect a private jet and guided tour of the pyramids" one of them says. Downgraded to a budget of about £3000, both teams try to deliver high quality luxury events on the cheap. Highlights include:

1. A guided tour of an Egyptian canal, featuring fascinating trivia nuggets such as the presence of 7 sewage treatment plants, and no buildings over 7 storeys.

2. A surprise kayak trip for people with no changes of clothes. In the middle of a blazing hot day.

3. Cost cutting by buying 75% of the food you need, and just making everyone's portions smaller.

4. Denying people drinks of water in the fucking desert.

5. Gourmet food consisting of undercooked potato wedges, disintegrated fish, and ice cream. Or a curry that's around "Krakatoa East of Java" on the old heat scale.

6. Communications breakdowns meaning that groups of clients arrive hours late for food.

7. 'Fun' activities such as parlour games that can be played anywhere, but are being played in a desert.

They know they've screwed up. The only question is by how much. Team leader Priyesh is shitting himself, convinced he's going home, but in fact makes a modest profit and staggers away supported by his team-mates. On the losing team, Megan from Wallyoaks (who claims to have organised "25 events in the past year", but seems to have no idea what she needs to do) calls back in Carrington (for fucking up the food) and Andrea (Sally Wainshite) for her negativity. All three lay into each other.

Sranal is having none of it. Megan's been useless at something she should have excelled at. Fuck off. Carrington's caused massive losses, as the food was so bad. Fuck off. Wainshite's so fucking useless at everything, doing nothing but criticise without offering possible solutions. Fuck off and all. All 3 gone.

The odd thing is that he actually looked like he meant it, rather than it being some contractual obligation. Genuinely furious. Halfway in and still nobody shining. Karishma and Conor still vying for the "only sane person here" award. Levi playing up to his image as a thick northern ex-squaddie. Dan and Lawrence most likely killed and replaced by Blanks. Kieran still biggest cunt in existence. Rothna a favourite for sheer sexy malevolence.