- Mon Oct 13, 2025 10:44 am
#97771
Prehistoric times - Stonehenge built. Yay, Britain has the best henges.
Roman times - we invite them to stay for a bit. They build Hadrian's wall to keep the riff-raff out. Eventually we civilise them by making them all Christians, and speaking English like what Jesus did.
King Arthur rules for a bit and is very noble.
Saxon times - King Alfred beats the Vikings, but they're tough and manly and white so we allow them to stay.
King Canute is a silly forriner and gets his feet wet defying the will of the English God.
Norman conquest - yes, yes, they have second homes in France, but they have sensible names like Norman. They tell the Saxons (who were getting bit smelly and hippyish) to get on their carts and look for work.
Robin Hood gets Bad King John to sign Magna Carta, which says that decent upstanding Englishmen should never be inconvenienced by laws clearly designed to apply to rough types. You know, from that estate.
100 Years War - England wins a series of battles against the French, Joan of Arc, and Mel Gibson. Eventually we get bored of winning and go home. French sneakily declare victory.
Richard II defeats the Peasants' Revolt. Humourists delight in going "Which Tyler" and invent printing to spread this witticism far and wide.
War of the Roses. Northerners beat each other up on bank holidays at awful seaside resorts until Henry VIII steps in, knocks heads together, and tells them to be a little more middle class.
Henry VIII is fat and has lots of wives and tells the Pope to shove it. That is all.
Elizabeth I is the first Maggie, who leads the Spanish Armada into Cadiz harbour where she biffs Philip of Spain with her handbag.
Guy Fawkes tries to blow up Parliament because speed cameras.
Civil War. Charles I agrees to give democracy a try for 10 years. If we don't like it, we'll go back to having kings. As a show of goodwill he has his head ceremonially cut off.
Great Fire of London gives birth to Cockney knees up blitz spirit.
James II (or William II) gives the Micks a drubbing.
Quiet 100 years or so. We invent steam engines so we don't need the Yanks any more.
Napoleon gets defeated by Nelson, Wellington, Sean Bean, and a series of memorable quotes.
Victoria is Maggie II, shutting up evil foreigners like Bismarck by saying "We are not amused", and hitting Indian mutineers with her handbag. She leads the Charge of the Light Brigade to rescue Florence Nightingale from the brutal Hun.
Jack the Ripper launches his campaign to gentrify Whitechapel, an up and coming area with lots of potential.
Titanic sinks, best sinking ship ever. British.
Scott reaches South Pole, dies heroically on way back in way no foreign scum Norwegian ever could.
We win Great War, Evelyn Waugh, Second World War. Queen Mum keeps spirits up in tube stations playing piano while Vera Lynn sings. Churchill leads brave British Tommies in flotilla of river boats, canoes, rafts and yachts to give Jerry a good pasting in Operation D-Day.
Britain kindly gives Suez back to Egyptians and Israelis because they've earned it.
Britain goes to the dogs.
Maggie. We win.
Britain goes back to the dogs.
Brexit. We win.
Johnson. We win.
Britain goes back to the dogs.
Reform UK form, and the promised land is but a general election away. This will be the end of history.
As the actress said to the bishop, rabbi, imam and priest
"My eyes have seen the glory, I'm a born again Atheist!"
"
- By mattomac