[davidjay]

Thanks again for the highlight of my Friday.

[Andy McDandy]

Week 8, and in a new move for the show, it's a rerun of a task already tried this series - the scavenger hunt.

As you may recall, in week 1 they went to Hong Kong and failed at everything. This time they go to the Isle of Wight and are tasked wit finding a bunch of themed bits of local specialities or tourist tat.

Kieran, now revelling in his role as chief dickhead, leads one team. He tells everyone to go in fast, keep moving, watch the clock, and get out. Three of his team do so, while he and Lawrence Fucked go and flirt with a wine seller and muck out some goats for the day. Bit hypocritical, but then again the wine seller is quite fruity and it beats running around Ryde all day.

Levi Brute leads the other team, on a high after Do That Again And I'll Smack You-gate last week. He's a very hands-off manager, dealing more in vibes and granting his team the responsibility to make their own way. Which translates as you lot do the running about while me and Roshna (of the Bene Jessret, down to the non-verbal communication and apparent psychic powers) sit in the car.

We learn a lot. We learn that they don't know what an Iguanadon is. They don't know where anything on the island is. They don't know much, but by some miracle (and a few bits of genuinely quick thinking) they get to the finish line. Back in the boardroom, Levi's team wins. They're ecstatic. Kieran looks deflated, and blames it all on Conor (Andrew Scott) and Harry (standard issue posh twat). Conor lays into him, pointing out that he wasted time, and left the bulk of the work to the rest of the team. But it's Harry who goes, as he's just generically useless.

[soulboy]

We are finally getting a glimpse of what passes for the cream rising to the top.

Karishma spotted an opportunity to order made-to-order donuts for collection at another bakery branch, which had the potential to save a lot of time (provided they didn't get lost) and reduced the risk of being late.

Of course they did get lost, but at least someone demonstrated a spark of intelligence. Would be one to watch in a world where "good telly" and the idea Sugar was going to invest in all along didn't hold sway.

[Andy McDandy]

It's week 9 and time for the old favourite of selling things on a shopping channel. They choose random tat. They fail to generate interest. They sell a fraction of what the channel is used to. They make tits of themselves on the telly. Still, they've had 8 weeks of practice for that.

In the last few years, Sranal has been filmed watching their performances, and offering a running commentary. This is interesting as it provides an insight into what he really thinks of his candidates. Face it, when your appearance is greeted with "Oh God, it's him...", chances are you're not going to reach the final. Connected to that is his obvious love of a rogue with a bit of swagger. So when Kieran challenges him to make him team leader for the final task (and if he fails, to fire him instantly), rather than calling him out for his insolence, Old Sweetex laps it up.

Levi and Conor get booted, mainly because they were useless at selling. So was Kieran, but he gets the naughty scamp treatment. Meanwhile Daaaaaan sneaks through due to his blandness. Of the women, Karishma is still the most competent, although Roshna is quietly roving her worth. Pascha is still in but I'm not sure why. Seems nice enough but very bland.

[davidjay]

Thursday Popbitch, Friday Andy's TV review. It's a nice way to end the week.

[Youngian]

Shopping channels are still a thing?

[Boiler]

Most definitely - even on Freeview.

https://www.tvchannellists.com/w/List_o ... d_Kingdom)

[Andy McDandy]

Week 10, and seven contestants remain. As far as I can see, two are utter cunts even by this programme's standards, and one is just extraordinarily lucky. That's Priyesh, by the way.

The final team task is to design and market a pet accessory. Apparently this is a thing, luxury goods to make your pet feel pampered.

Team one (Kieran, Roshna, Daaaaan) have a problem. Roshna hates all living things and despises the weakness that is compassion. Fucking hell, I love her. Kieran decides to design a pet tree (again, apparently a thing) for cats. It's 6 feet tall and it's....how can I put this? OK, you remember the episode of the Simpsons when Homer designs a car? Yeah. It's a fucking monstrosity. Roshna, who insisted on going with Kieran to stop him sticking forks in any toasters, is lost for words. It's got a little turntable with a toy mouse nailed to it.

Meanwhile, Daaaaaaan has been sent to do the marketing on his own. What follows is utterly wholesome, as free of the shackles and expectations of the other 'lads', Daaaaaaaaaaaaan comes into his own. He's got an eye for design, gets on well with the professional assisting him, cooks up some snappy catchphrases, generally has a ball. Too bad they're trying to sell a piece of crap, really.

Team two sees a struggle for control between the pint sized powerhouse that is Karishma, and Pascha, the First Lady of Fuck Off. They both love dogs, and want to design a doggy accessory. What they come up with is....well, how can I put this? There's this episode of the Simpsons, see, and Homer...

It's a sofa. For dogs. It has noise sensors that will play a reassuring message in their owner's voice if there's a loud bang, like fireworks. Not a means of allowing the owner to comfort their pet while away from home, just to play a pre-recorded message. Also, the sensors are very sensitive. Talk above a whisper near it, and off it goes. And it does not stop. They hawk it to the pet industry. A Frenchman points out that they've spelt "chic" as "chique", and that their French grammar is lousy. Karishma disagrees. It's spelt fucking chique, alright? Others point out that this ... thing ... is likely to send pets mad. Still, they win.

As threatened last week, Kieran finally fucks off. Reactions of other contestants suggest he won't be missed. Roshna goes, as she didn't rein him in, and didn't sell anything. She glides off into the sunset, done with this shit. She has failed the test, and will go into the west and remain Roshna.

[Andy McDandy]

Interviews time, and our final five hand over their plans to be dissected by four top inquisitors:

Zelda from Terrahawks
The butler from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade ("If you are Scottish lord, zen I am Mickee Mouse!")
Sharon Maugham's "conniving cunt" brothel owner from The Bank Job
Ally Fraser from Auf Wiedersehen Pet

It's the usual serving of overinflated egos, pricked pomposities, and elastic relationships with reality. Lawrence wants to create a VR AI PR Ninja Pirate Vampire Zombie agency and needs a few million. Bye. Daaaaaaan already has a highly successful recruitment business, so why does he need Sugar's coins? Oh well, turns out his business isn't doing that well, and he needs to pay more attention to it, rather than fucking off for 12 weeks. Priyesh has a plan for a fleet of mobile cocktail bars and a range of drinks in every supermarket. He has a good job, and doing cocktails is his hobby. He's told to stick to his job, and carry on doing his hobby for his friends and family.

Karishma knows her skincare stuff, beating Ally Fraser's test where she has to pick the true grail/bottle of rose water from a load of false ones. Pascha meanwhile has produced a 7 page business plan for her care workers employment agency, which seems mostly to be "People will work with me 'cos I'm well fit". And those, folks, are your finalists.

It underlines the absurdity of the show - anyone who was genuinely doing well running a viable business would not have the need or the time to go on the show. If your company is in trouble, why waste time doing daft tasks week after week? If you just have a concept of an idea, why bother when you know you'll be shot down in flames?

Karishma ought to win. She's got a small backroom mail order thing going at the moment, and has realistic plans to expand it. She's dealing in something tangible, something real. She's also done well in all the tasks, in some cases carrying the rest of her team. In contrast, Pascha is well fit.

Pascha will win. Dead cert, nailed on.